7 reasons why you are NOT legend

I've heard some people say they liked it. I've heard a few say they didn't. Well I finally watched it. So the verdict is in.

**drum roll**

It was bad. Ohhh wait you liked it? That's too bad, you like bad movies. Someone told me they liked it because they "were expecting it to be bad" but it was "actually pretty entertaining" or something similar. Well thats a ridiculous reason to think a movie is good.

I think it's good because before I saw it I thought it was bad.

Yeah. Ok.


So, without further adou, here is why the movie was bad.

1) Will Smith drives around with a sniper rifle trying to hunt.

Sure its the opening scene and it lets you understand that he's alone. But we already knew that anyway. It makes no sense to drive really fast chasing a bunch of gazelle and then wait until you are driving next to it to somehow snipe it. So dumb. Either A) use a shotgun or B) snipe the damn things without driving the car.

2) The zombies were terrible

I like zombie movies. In fact, when I realized that it was a zombie movie I was pretty excited. It cant be THAT bad, there are going to be zombies in it. Well turns out the zombies were a really shitty bad-CGI-golem mixed with 28 days later zombies. They didn't look scary. They just looked fake and stupid. Not only can they jump around in ways that are completely unnatural, but apparently they don't really need to eat to live. What's more, they are intelligent enough to set up elaborate traps but not smart enough to develop clothes or umbrella technology (to protect them from the light). Oh did I also mention that they have the ability to change their facial structure when they scream?

Nothing about the zombies is cool. Including the fact that...

3) A zombie bit will smith in the neck for a while and nothing happened.

No blood, no zombification or carnage. Just kisses. Just really bad CG kisses.

4)Will smith had the ability to use multiple iPod players, appliances, dual treadmills...

You'd think that if you were the last person on Earth that you would probably notice the power going out. Not Will smith. Priority number one was apparently rewiring his entire house to run off of two small generators kept indoors. Ignore the fact that the treadmills are upstairs. He's going to run one for him and one for his dog, an ipod player or two, the sparker in his stove, his refrigerator, his entertainment set up, and countless other devices. This made me pretty mad.

If everyone is dead there should be a significant decrease in home entertainment. I'm struggling because the writers are on strike. Will Smith isn't struggling with the writers, plumbers, electric company, gas company, and planet on strike. And by strike, I mean magically converted to awful CGI neck-kissing zombies.

5)Will Smith's house was *not* on lock down?

I was impressed that somehow between the onset of this terrible zombie disease and the death of everyone Smith somehow managed to install really intense steel locking door/window/everything gates. Thats really cool. And I'm willing to accept that he just convinced skilled zombie laborers to do the work for him. That's not my problem. My problem is that somehow the zombie was able to quickly and easily spiderman leap onto his house and easily bend the steel. I really didn't like that.

6)"I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last person on earth"

Imagine this. You are a young attractive male living alone in a deserted city. There is nobody around to propagate the species so it's very likely that you are the last human around. You may or may not be legend. Either way, it makes sense for you to shower daily, wear nice clothes, and exercise a lot. Not to mention shave, get haircuts, and keep yourself well-groomed.

Ok now imagine suddenly you get saved by a hot chick (i'm not even going to go into the whole saving part, but trust me it sucked too). Suddenly you are not the only person around. You are suddenly accompanied by a very attractive female. Not only that, she also apparently decided it was a good idea to invest some time and energy into grooming herself, shaving, and looking pretty wearing nice clothes.

What does will smith do? Well I'll tell you what he doesn't do first. He DOESNT have sex with her. Nope. Doesn't even want to. Doesn't even want to use the line So, what if I was the last guy on earth, would you make out with me then? Oh would you look at that? I AM the last guy on earth

Instead he doesn't even ask her how she survived, tell her hes glad hes not the only one. Nope. He just throws some bacon against a wall and says all of hte lines to the movie shrek. Strike six.

7) Flash back scene is completely worthless

Some movies will have flash backs in them. Every so often you get the flash back and more is revealed about the character. the show lost does this sometimes. You find out interesting things. Things you didn't already know, at the very least.

So you get a flash and things are just heating up. Zombies are there and people are evacuating and then thats it. Ok this is going to be good, "i bet his family gets zombie eaten" you think.

Well guess what. The flash backs keep coming in the way you'd expect, you keep wanting more. And what happens? The little girl hands him the dog at the last minute, then a helicopter flies into their helicopter.

Nice.

And by nice I mean, "why did you waste my time with that flashback" and also, "thank you for showing me the cute puppy".